September 28, 2008
From the debates I’ve been hearing about the largest bailout in U.S. history, I’m starting to believe that less than 1/10th of 1% of all Americans have actually read the actual piece of legislation that governs this bailout. And since the bailout will be the greatest robbery of this century if passed in its original form, every single person should read the actual law. So here it is, in its form at the end of last week. Earlier last week, I stated that this bailout plan would eventually be spun as something positive even though the taxpayers would get reamed. It finally appears as though this is happening because Congressmen are claiming that the legislation is no longer a bailout, but a “rescue” of American taxpayers. To know whether our Congressmen are telling us the truth, let’s take a look at the original piece of legislation and when the text of the “amended” legislation is released, let’s see how much really constitutes a rescue v. a bailout or let’s see if the rescue is still funded by American taxpayers, which would still constitute a bailout. Normally, the articles on my blog are of a serious nature, but today, I’m taking a break from my normal format to produce a satire. Since the exact text of the amended legislation has not yet been released as of the writing of this satire, unless Congress completely trashed, not amended, the original legislation as I recommended below, this will be no “rescue” and still a “bailout”. Oh, there are serious elements to this post but the current piece of legislation is so ludicrous that it leaves itself open to massive amounts of ridicule. Though almost every clause in this current bailout plan is appalling, in production of this satirical commentary, we’ve chosen to just reprint only those clauses that are most likely to produce a financial Armageddon. We’ll look at the amended legislation once Congress releases it but for now, it’s important that everyone ensures that they read the original legislation that Hank Paulson wanted to pass as it was written. This will give you an understanding that unless almost every single clause was re-written, make no mistake, it will still be a bailout plan.
In order to foster greater understanding of the current form of the bailout plan under consideration, we have translated the “legalese” into simple English by providing “SUPERS” (aka subtitles) for the key clauses of this legislation. WARNING: the clauses below in BOLD italicprint are ACTUAL CLAUSES contained in the original piece of legislation; however, the SUPERS are pure satire that allow you to take an inside peak inside Hank Paulson’s brain about each clause he tells us is necessary to “Save America!” We apologize in advance that we could not provide Shakespeare clowns weeping on the side as tragic music plays in the background to complete our satirical masterpiece, but we have long converted all of our fiat money to gold and thus no longer have any petty cash to hire clowns or an orchestra.
The truly dumbfounding part of this bailout is that though Americans will be negatively affected the most by this bailout plan, American investors seem to understand it the least. For example, on the announcement that this bailout plan was making progress, most every major global index in Asia and Europe was down significantly on Friday with the indexes shedding 1.5% to more than 3% everywhere from Hong Kong to Bombay to Frankfurt to Paris. However, the DJIA, on this wonderful news, somehow managed to rise 121 points on Friday! All major indexes all across the world are strongly down again today, even in light of the fact that a new bailout plan has emerged and will soon be approved by U.S. Congress. It will be interesting to see if American investors continue to be fooled and continue to bid up American indexes in response to the amended legislation, which from a cursory look, still appears to contain most of the egregiously terrible clauses below that will in the end be absolutely terrible to the fate of American taxpayers (though, to be fair, I haven’t had time to review the new bulky piece of legislation in its entirety yet and will blog about the amended legislation in the future).
Without further adieux, let’s proceed take a look at pre=production notes from Armageddon 2.
Authority to Purchase.–The Secretary is authorized to purchase, and to make and fund commitments to purchase, on such terms and conditions as determined by the Secretary, mortgage-related assets from any financial institution having its headquarters in the United States.
SUPER (inside Hank Paulson’s head): I’ve studied Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and the results of Mugabe’s unlimited and unchecked powers that led to inflation rates of more than 2,200,000% in Zimbabwe and the consequent creation of Z100,000,000,000 notes. Aah, the wonders of unlimited, unchecked and unregulated power! This is why all “terms and conditions” should be determined by me and me alone. As an added bonus, however, I believe that my bailout plan will produce a similarly inflated USD note to the Z100,000,000,000 note. Americans can recoup some of their losses from my bailout plan by auctioning off novelty $100,000 USD notes on eBay to amused Russians and Brazilians for one oz. of silver when in reality it will only be worth ¼ an ounce of silver! And who said I’m not looking out for the American taxpayer?
Necessary Actions.–The Secretary is authorized to take such actions as the Secretary deems necessary to carry out the authorities in this Act, including, without limitation (3) designating financial institutions as financial agents of the Government, and they shall perform all such reasonable duties related to this Act as financial agents of the Government as may be required of them.
SUPER (inside Hank Paulson’s head): America should trust the very people in the very industry responsible for creating this problem. As the former Goldman Sachs CEO, I was one of the major players responsible for “breaking” the American financial sector. Now I know that everybody has seen the following sign in American stores – “You break it, you buy it”. Well I broke the U.S. financial sector, so come on now, let me buy it! I’ll even get down on one knee and beg if that’s what it takes. What’s wrong with you idiots! Let me buy it (of course not with my money, but your money. My money, your money, what’s the difference?!)
Since we’ve seen how terrific a job the Federal Reserve has done with monetary policy up to this point, why not apply this model to the ENTIRE COUNTRY? Give me the power to transform every financial institution in the U.S. into a hybrid institution similar to the U.S. Federal Reserve — companies owned by private people but that can still be employed as an agent of the Government (evil laugh).
Think of it this way. I have heard rumors that today there are more $100 bills in Moscow than in the entire United States. This is outrageous! Devaluing our money and making the $100 bill the lowest denominated bill in America will ensure that America will not be laughed at by those stinking communist Russians anymore! We need to return the bulk of $100 bills to America and only I have the “reasonable” plan to achieve it!
Considerations. In exercising the authorities granted in this Act, the Secretary shall take into consideration means for–(2) protecting the taxpayer.
SUPER (inside Hank Paulson’s head): Earlier I told U.S. Senator Jim Bunning during a Congressional testimony that the government was going to pay for everything. But when Senator Bunning pushed me on the issue, I admitted that when I said “the government”, I really meant the “American taxpayer”. Now in this case, when I say “taxpayer”, I really mean only the 1/10 of 1% of richest Americans that are represented by my Wall Street and big banking executive buddies. I’m not lying because they are taxpayers if you really want to argue the nitty gritty with me. But, wait, earlier I said the taxpayer was the government. That would mean Wall Street and big banking executives are the government right? This isn’t fair. You’re twisting my words and trying to confuse me!
Reports to Congress. Within three months of the first exercise of the authority granted in section 2(a), and semiannually thereafter, the Secretary shall report to the Committees on the Budget, Financial Services, and Ways and Means of the House of Representatives and the Committees on the Budget, Finance, and Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs of the Senate with respect to the authorities exercised under this Act and the considerations required by section 3.
SUPER (inside Hank Paulson’s head): Hey, how did this reporting nonsense get in there? Ok, ok, I’ll concede this point. As long as you are powerless to stop whatever decisions I make, then I guess I’ll pay the price of an occasional berating. That’s a fair trade-off!
Review. Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency.
SUPER (inside Hank Paulson’s head): Good to see you’ve come back to your senses so quickly after all that reporting nonsense you wish to subject me too. I’m planning on doing some very very bad things to Americans with all these unlimited powers, so I’ll need immunity from any type of prosecution for any wrongdoing or conduct unbecoming of an American. Besides, my fellow Americans, you can’t handle the truth! (sorry Jack, I know that’s your line, but that is the truth). By the way, where’s the clause I stuck in here for the house in the Cayman Islands, the $200 million bonus that you must pay me, and my private jet ready to leave the country 24/7 if you try to review any of my actions in a court of law? Tssssk, tsssk. Must I constantly remind you of how the system works? Put that clause back in immediately or I’ll use my unlimited powers to put you in the SHU at Pelican Bay.
Termination of Authority. The authorities under this Act, with the exception of authorities granted in sections 2(b)(5), 5 and 7, shall terminate two years from the date of enactment of this Act.
SUPER (inside Hank Paulson’s head): It sure seemed that we fooled almost all of America when we told you the bailouts of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were only going to cost $25 billion. Even when we had to admit that this figure was a lie and increase it to $200 billion, we all fooled you again. Since you’ve proven to be so gullible, I’m going to put a bunch of numbers and letters that reference other clauses of this law to make you believe that this law will terminate two years from now even though “the exception of authorities granted in sections 2(b)(5), 5 and 7” allows me to extend this law indefinitely per my discretion only.
Secretary.–The term “Secretary” means the Secretary of the Treasury.
SUPER (inside Hank Paulson’s head): This is for those truly stupid people out there, the secretaries of Joe’s Auto Shop or Pete’s Copy Shot that might mistakenly believe that they are the dictator of the United States of America. The Secretary does not mean you, Barbara or you Lisa, or you Jennifer. There will only be one dictator in this country, and that is me. Capiche?
United States.–The term “United States” means the States, territories, and possessions of the United States and the District of Columbia.
SUPER (inside Hank Paulson’s head): Yes, I know it seems silly that I am defining what is the United States, but after I destroy the lives of many Americans through my unlimited powers and unchecked discretion, the United States may become the Disunited States. Thus, I will then have to amend this law with my unlimited powers to redefine the United States to mean “the States, territories, and possessions of the Disunited States and the District of Columbia.” Yeah, Puerto Rico, Guam, Samoa, U.S. Virgin Islands, the Mariana Islands, Baker Island, Howland Island and all those other islands that are U.S. territories, stop crying. Your our “possessions” so if eventually we need your money, we’re coming after you too.
And this, the latest pre-production notes from the Armageddon sequel.
Though the above law in this form has not yet passed, this is the exact law that Hank Paulson urged Congress to pass as necessary to save America. This is the law that Hank Paulson lobbied so hard to pass last week and conjured up the “the global financial system will fail if you don’t pass this law immediately” argument to try and trick Congressmen to vote for it. In fact, the BBC reported last Friday that, “The intense discussions reportedly saw US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson literally down on one knee, begging Ms Pelosi to help push through the bail-out package.” (This episode, as ludicrous as it sounds, reportedly happened according to the BBC.) It is rumored that Ben Affleck is in negotiations to play Hank Paulson and that Billy Bob Thornton will reprise his role once again as the President but these rumors are heretofore unconfirmed as of this time (this part is not true).
[tags]Wall Street bailout plan, Hank Paulson, financial armageddon, Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe, bankrupting America[/tags]
